There is a place between silence and explosion, and that place is called assertiveness. Many of the people who come to us describe the same exhaustion: they swallow whatever bothers them so the mood does not sour, they hold it in, hold it in, and at some point they erupt in a way that later leaves them ashamed. Then comes the remorse, the promise that "next time I will handle it differently", and the cycle begins again. Between constantly giving in and attacking there is a third path, quieter and far stronger: saying what you feel and what you need while keeping respect both for yourself and for the other person.
What assertiveness is not
Assertiveness is not aggression. It does not mean speaking louder, winning the argument or forcing your opinion. Nor is it the opposite, the constant retreat that dresses itself up as politeness. It is the ability to stand your ground without stepping on anyone. Many people confuse kindness with self sacrifice and believe that if they set a boundary they will become selfish. In truth, saying clearly what you want gives the other person something precious: your honesty, instead of a silent resentment that quietly piles up inside and slowly poisons the relationship.
Why it is so hard for us
For many, the difficulty has old roots. If you grew up learning that your worth depends on being convenient, that your own wants always come second, then every time you ask for something you feel guilt, as if you were doing something forbidden. The body learns the fear: the stomach tightens, the voice shakes, the heart beats faster. This is not a flaw of character, it is an old survival habit that once protected you. The good news is that whatever was learned can be learned anew, with patience and practice.
A simple formula to begin
One approach that helps greatly is to speak from your own side rather than accusing. The formula is simple: When X happens, I feel Y, and I would like Z. Instead of "you always ignore me", try "when I am talking and you look at your phone, I feel unheard, and I would like your attention when I tell you something important". The difference is enormous: the second opens a conversation instead of building a wall.
- Speak about your feeling, not about the other person's character.
- Ask for something specific, not a vague change.
- Leave room for their answer; assertiveness is not an ultimatum.
- "No" is a complete sentence; it does not always need a justification.
- Start with small, low risk situations and build slowly.
Discomfort does not mean you were wrong
At first, assertiveness brings discomfort. You may feel that you behaved badly, even when you simply stated your truth calmly. That discomfort is not a sign that you did something wrong; it is the sound of an old habit changing. Over time your voice steadies, your stomach relaxes, and you discover that the relationships which can hold your truth are the relationships worth your time.
You do not have to choose between being loved and existing. You can have both.
How we work together
In therapy, assertiveness is not a technique you memorise from the outside. It is a relationship that changes, first with yourself. Together we look at where the habit of giving in came from, what you fear will happen if you speak, and we try out new ways on safe ground. At "thestherapy", based in Thessaloniki, we work in person and online, in Greek and in English, at your own pace. The aim is not to make you hard, but to help you stand beside yourself with the same warmth you so readily offer others.